Letter

Hi. if you don’t know who I am my name is Zaid I grew up in Kuwait moved to Portland, Oregon about 3 years ago and I’ve lived and –hopefully will continue to live an interesting life

I’m writing this unsure of how I’m coming off because there is realistically nowhere to place the feelings I have and I’ve just been placing resentment within myself. For a very brief period I placed that resentment everywhere else. I don’t think either of those two approaches are healthy. So I’m going to allow this veil of resentment to be lifted and the feelings be presented as the pain that they truly are.

I have cerebral palsy and struggled and continue to struggle with the perception of my disability by others, but inevitably that perception became something i struggled to dissociate from my own

This started when I was young. people would see me and they would sometimes not even know how to react. If they move out of the way to be respectful that is one thing. However sometimes it felt as if –when they moved out of the way, it was out of fear. the same way that someone would move out of the way if they saw something that would harm them and that it was the first of so many things that put me in a position where I realized that my existence upsets people. I just thought that I was naive I thought people were moving out of the way but as I got older as I began to pick up facial expressions as I began to notice it was more than just moving out of the way it was excessive in some cases. That was the beginning of a history of these kinds of behaviors

As I got older, more emotionally complex things would be more apparent to me. An example of this would be where people would view me as a threat inherently because of my disability or be disarmed for the same reason. When all I ever really wanted was to just be me, to exist and not have my disability determine the nature of someone’s comfort

I would chock all of this up to me being paranoid and anxious if I didn’t have explicitly defined proof of people stating multiple times that the reason that they (or that someone else they knew) wasn’t afraid of me was because they were under the impression that I “was incapable of harming them” or some variation of that.

And that hurts. I am capable physically to do so many things but I am unwilling, the idea of hurting someone causes me anguish. Physically or emotionally hurting an individual is something I can’t bring myself to do. And anytime someone’s under the impression that I am capable or that my disability specifically is the cause for that, is a painful idea to live with. Because I don’t want to be seen as a thing to be feared, I don’t want to be seen as someone that is so insignificant I’m not even considered

I am viewed as someone who isn’t worth the emotional energy to be treated with love because of the fact that they see me as incapable of meeting whatever arbitrary needs they have. and I have no issues admitting the fact that I’m not capable of doing some things.

I am, however, certainly capable of devoting every ounce of love in my heart to someone and yet here I am being ignored being disregarded

On dating apps for example, exclusively when prompted to do so, I tell them the nature of my disability. It is a coin flip weighed against me with much worse than 50/50 odds In which I stop receiving any response from them whatsoever. It hurts to live in that way, just tossed aside.

I can’t make someone see the full scope of who I am in enough time for someone to not get bored or just to weigh their options and decide that I am a lesser option.

I feel lost. because I can’t meet people by going out and socializing nearly as often as I wish I could. Meeting people is a tiring experience. So I’m left to do nothing. I have to deal with either the superficial nature of people on dating apps or put my my blood sweat and tears into going out and trying to meet people

I know I seem bitter and ungrateful but I’m not.

I genuinely value what I have but I am tired of trying and doing what I can. I’m tired of not being given the benefit of the doubt.

beyond the love I get from my friends and family –which I value so much, I still don’t have more

I do everything I can to be someone that’s worth it but the only time anyone’s ever looked my way was when it benefited them, and it’s the instant that stopped being the case those people left.

I don’t want to be that person. Defined exclusively by the entertainment i bring

I want to be able to be seen. I don’t know what I need to be seen. I don’t know what I need to do, I don’t know if I’m the one that needs to do anything.

Living in Portland has taught me what it means to not be seen at all, not specifically because of my disability nobody’s really seen here. To an extent, the fact that nobody is seen means that while I’m still not seen, I’m just like everyone else.

I’m also fully aware that my disability is not the single defining factor for why every person has chosen to not reciprocate how they feel. I am a whole person and some people see that. if they don’t like some of the things they see. And to those people:

You are valid and I appreciate that in a way, you saw through my disability and chose the things that I think really matter –that I think should be a valid reason for not wanting to be with a person and you chose that is your basis for that decision.

and as much as it’s a strange thing to say it is something that I’m grateful for. I’m grateful that they gave me the opportunity to be seen even if what they saw was not what they wanted.

but I also know that dealing with people who can’t see past who I am in terms of my disability is a struggle that I’m going to have to live with my entire life. It’s so hard to have to tell myself that someone is going to love me for me or that someone is going to see me and want to be around me. But I can’t, no matter what I tell myself as long as nothing consciously changes then I’m left to have empty hope.

I’m not the kind of person that can have faith in an idea that I have never actually experienced. When someone tells me that it is possible for someone to love me for me, I can’t earnestly agree with them because I don’t have any evidence of that.

I don’t know what, if anything, I want people to take away from this but saying what I’ve always wanted to say is going to allow me to heal and that’s all that matters